apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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