Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
