i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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