you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
