You really coming over, don't trick.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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