This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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