i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My ATM looks so different sober.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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