I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
