The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
