On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He? As in you personified your dick?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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