found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
