My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
