im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
