So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
