Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
