I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
