Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
