i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
