is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
