I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
