I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
