I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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