I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
