you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
