I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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