I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
