a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
