i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
