the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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