I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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