I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
