im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
