I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
