how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
