Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
