what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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