roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
