I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
