Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
