Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
