He had one of those small greek statue penises
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
