I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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