well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
