You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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