I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
