You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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