He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
