tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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