Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
