I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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