That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
