my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
