this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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