Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the condom got lost in my hair
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
