He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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